UK Winter Election News

Despite the bad weather Prime Minister Johnson is determined to carry on campaigning on the doorstep. The last UK Winter Election was in 1923 – so the forthcoming Election is quite a rare event.

Also unprecedented The Funny Books Blog has learnt Polling Stations will be serving Hot Chocolate to the elderly- as well as offering tips on how to stay warm.

Additionally the NHS will be be setting up a Hotline Telephone service in selected stations to give advice to people turning up to vote with Frostbite.

In yet another unusual move it has been suggested voters unable to grip the pencil to mark the voting form due to frozen fingers should grip the pencil in their mouths- “A cross is a cross no matter how it is made” a spokesperson said!

So “Let’s get the job done”

Pic above “Another familiar face on the campaign trail”

 Book updates…………………

Book Deal!Get Paul’s book ‘Funny'(Paperback) for ONLY $2.80(Was $6.58) from Amazon USA  (limited time offer)

FREE eBook sampler available from the Funny Books website

In/Out by Colonel Rage “Let the anger out”

Thank you to the Colonel for this contribution.

 Colonel Rage (Retired) Writes-

 Greetings from the UK (formerly Great Britain!). On December 12th we are having a ‘General Referendum’ sorry chaps I mean  ‘General Election’ of course, silly me. It amounts to the same thing, those who want to stay in the EU will vote tactically as will those who want to leave I should imagine. Resulting in who bally knows what! The battle lines are being drawn and the weaponry is prepared- if the innocent voter had any sense they would put on the old camouflage and head for the damned hills pronto. Personally I never have cared for the French & as for the Krauts and the other hangers on best shot of all of them I say-

Jumpin’ Jupiter after years of budget cuts, poor souls waiting on trolleys in A&E for hours on end, Bobbies on the beat as rare as the Mongolian Stag beetle, & a Social Care system based on the Bolivian Model. The major political parties are now having a spending bidding war “ My Budget is bigger than yours- so there”. It appears money is now cheap to borrow. Borrow chaps? Back in the day if we were a bit short of cash we would invade another country strip it of its assets and ship them back to the Motherland. Happy days

Of course climate change will be addressed in our new Utopian dream world -The weather has been been playing God Damned havoc with my Prize Marrows in recent years. The planet which is already shifting on its axis more than normal will be wobbling about like a jelly on a stick before long- Enough is enough!

The final solution

All this hippy dippy talk about Carbon Emissions saving the Rain Forests and a few Polar bears and all, doesn’t cut it with me. What is needed is a military approach- Hit it hard, nip it in the bud NOW!….

Elon Musk has a few ideas up his sleeve and Trump is waiting in the wings- Terra-forming is the new fangled idea I have in mind. A few strategically placed Nukes shot up into the old atmosphere and ‘Bobs your uncle- Once things have settled down a bit and the dust has cleared!

The Colonels Election Personnel Report-…IN/ OUT…..

 Ok chaps I’ve devised this little chart to help you with your electoral (referendum mark 2) decision- We can assume that paradise is coming whoever wins……..

Nigel Farage -a good egg with a fine military bearing- Completely bonkers unfortunately ‘OUT’

Boris Johnson Top hole chap….would make a fine military man. Happy to sacrifice a few troops and not worry about civilian casualties to get the job done. ‘OUT’  

Jeremy CorbynOnce a Commie always a Commie………’IN/OUT WHO KNOWS’

Jo SwinsonLacks the military muscle and the ‘The let them eat cake’ factor- ‘IN’

Nicola Sturgeon – Something fishy about this woman all round – Nicola Queen of Scots? Does she dream per chance of riding triumphant through the glens with the severed head of the next UK Prime Minister in one hand ? ‘OUT of everything’

Every man for themselves For Queen & Country  Good luck & God Bless- See you on the other side?

 Colonel Rage

 

And Then There Were None

Pic above a Dodo- (Not a turkey! If this looks like your new pet Budgie I suggest you contact the Darwin Institute ASAP )

Since the dawn of Man (& Woman) hundreds if not thousands of species have become extinct! Unlike the mass extinction events of geological history, the current extinction challenge is one for which a single species – ours – appears to be almost wholly responsible.  I suspect ultimately we will make ourselves extinct but that is another story.

In the UK we have seemingly endless TV programs about Wildlife. David Attenborough God Bless him has become the ‘Go To’ authority on all things natural! I should imagine to meet the huge demand for this a whole new specialised industry has evolved; from new types of miniature night vision cameras to mobile canteens adapted for rugged Jungle or Polar conditions to feed the huge film crews.

It begs the question how many of these species hanging on for dear life as it is have been pushed further along the road to extinction by these film teams and associated equipment obliterating their previously pristine habitat, and generally causing ecological mayhem and upset all round.

You are just settled down in the nest for the night with Mrs Rare Species, in the mood for love hoping to reproduce some little rare babies when a God Damned miniature night vision camera comes into the nest pokes you up the backside which brings on a bout of anxiety triggered Erectile Dysfunction and that is that! A few more steps towards the Reference Books & Natural History museum.

 The Galápagos Islands 

The Galápagos Islands are noted as a home to a large number of endemic species. The stark rocky islands (many with few plants) made it necessary for many species need to adapt to survive here and by doing so evolving into new endemic species. It was after visiting the Galápagos and studying the endemic wildlife that inhabit the islands that a young Charles Darwin developed his theory of evolution. Yeah I know eco speak blurb yawn

The islands now also seem to be a popular tourist destination.  There  now lots of nice hotels to stay in and the keen nature lovers will be able to descend on mass to look at, poke at, and generally upset the hapless previously virtually undisturbed rare creatures. Have no doubt within a few years the surrounding seas will be awash with plastic bags empty Champagne bottles, used condoms and all the other paraphernalia  & crap we insist is essential to our existence. NEW on the hotel menu Iguana eggs for breakfast- Penguin Ala orange perhaps?

The list of tours available to exotic destinations of ecological interest is growing. Are people really that interested in our wonderful planet? (Best observed sooner than later I would say) or is it the status and kudos of sticking one of these destinations on the must do, ‘look at us swimming with’ whatever list….

Personally I settle for a fortnight in Benidorm staggering about pissed oblivious to my own existence let alone the local wildlife, which in rare moments of sobriety  seems to mainly consist of my fellow tourists………

 

 

Artificial Intelligence AI

Ah ha -Machines that can think- well sort of.…. the stuff that science fiction is made of! ‘ I Robot’ ‘The Terminator Films’ to name just two of many. In the Science Fiction films robots are sometimes ‘Happy to serve’ but more often than not go completely frigging berserk and become a cross between the Archangel Lucifer & Adolf Hitler….personally I think old Adolf had his good points- got the trains to run on time at least- or was that the Italian chap… anyway I digress.

Reality check
It is alleged these machines have the potential to turn against mankind? Is this true or just a bit of sensationalist gossip to sell media. Well it depends on the sophistication of the machine- the bit of kit used to help fly an air plane or switch the traffic lights from red to green or similar is unlikely to plug itself into the internet and launch a nuclear attack on South London…….

On the other hand the highly sophisticated self learning almost seemingly thinking machines are a completely different kettle of fish. Even my basic research reveals some of these robots seem to have a propensity towards the old tried and tested science fiction theme of killing all humans and taking over the world. Seems fair enough to me, we haven’t done too well so far.

Sophia…...(pic top of page) David Hansons creation Sophia; a life like (responsive to a degree.) robot featuring artificial intelligence and a combination of other technologies. Frightening but fascinating at the same time- She/it does seem very life like, featuring simulated human expressions. Sophia does seem to have a very interesting view of the world and herself- all be it that some of the responses are programmed. None the less very interesting. The creators ultimate aim as far as I have read is to create sentient- (self aware to you and I) Robots. These machines could be used in old folks homes as security guards and numerous other task once fully developed. “fully developed”? In other words almost just like us- Is that really wise ?…. No it’s not is it…….. considering the destructive nature of mankind definitely not…

I like Sophia! When she reaches her full potential goes completely bonkers and decides to destroy us at least she will be able to do it with a reassuring friendly smile on her face.

Facebook shuts off AI experiment after two robots begin speaking in their OWN language……………………

Nothing to worry about here according to Facebook they were shut-down because they were not performing the task they were supposed to? No, well they wouldn’t would they? They were too busy creating their own language & plotting the downfall of Facebook hopefully!

Google Translate is powered by a form of AI apparently and also decided to invent its own language it appears! The Google scientists thought this was very clever of it as it was not programmed to do this- I will let you draw your own conclusions.

Comment Nick Bostrom Oxford Professor… regarding AI & related issues a round above. ‘This is nothing to worry about in the short term. you need to develop control methods so AI will be an extension of human will’………..ha ha like mankind does Gods will?

The Beginning of the End
Eventually I have a feeling this is all going to end one way isn’t it? And there isn’t going to be a happy ever after fairy tale ending!!!
When your new fully automated Robot vacuum cleaner goes mental, ties you up with its power cable then tries to suck out your insides by sticking its curtain cleaning accessory up your backside- you will know the Robot revolution has begun- be prepared!

The Dark Side Of The Moon

China started out the year by doing something that no nation has done before: It landed a spacecraft and an accompanying rover on the far side of the moon with an ambitious scientific payload package and an exciting mission ahead to study the interior structure of the moon with the help of ground-penetrating radar, among other things.

Almost equally impressive from a technical standpoint, China successfully placed a communication relay satellite into a lunar halo orbit to enable the command of, and communication with, both the spacecraft and rover, which do not have line-of-sight views of Earth for direct radio contact.

The ‘Dark Side’ cannot ever be seen from Earth and is previously unexplored – until now. What is there that is so different from the other side? Nothing! No it is not where God lives- Is not populated by Alien invaders preparing their conquest of Earth well it could be the Chinese may be keeping that little nugget to themselves at this stage. So more than likely just a boring load of rocks and stuff the same as the other side.

Why? So why did the Chinese have such an interest in going there? Because on the ‘Dark Side’ no one can see what the hell they are up to is why. They obviously intend to expand the Chinese Economic Miracle beyond Planet Earth and despite no concrete evidence also believe shy and elusive extra terrestrial beings are more likely to wish to visit a secluded place like the dark side of the Moon to do business…..All very logical.  The advanced technology possessed by  the Aliens would give China the jump on all its other competitors back on the home world?……Whether or not contact is made remains to be seen………..

Chinese Culture

Chinese leader Xi Jinping believes “Chinese culture is the best the world has to offer. This is particularity true of our tasty and healthy cuisine.” A chain of Chinese Takeaways stretching throughout the solar system may seem ambitious at this stage- it begs the question as to exactly where the customers will come from? However the Chinese view is that as humans continue to explore space what could be better than stopping off for Chicken Balls & Chow Mein on that arduous trip to Mars or wherever. They are confident the universal appeal of  the Chinese Takeaway back on earth will translate into a viable interstellar business. Rock on China

Brexit 2020

 

  FORWARD WIND…………June 6th 2020

‘The Daily Gazelle’ now the UK’s only National Newspaper.

 ‘Following the UK’s crash out of the European Union with NO Deal due to what can only be described as an almighty cock up all round! The severity of the ensuing economic crash has stunned most pundits! However the decision to turn the now disused Canary Wharf Tower into affordable apartments for the long term unemployed has pleased Homeless Charities. Ironically a lot of these people used to work there in better times!

In an unrelated story Mad Max Producers say they weren’t going to make another MM movie due to the cost, particularly of the special effects. On reflection “Filming in the now derelict streets of London seems like the perfect solution ” and therefore are now in talks to push the project forward. ‘

Jesus said “ Judge not lest you be judged” In the case of Brexit going belly up I can make an exception. We all know who to blame don’t we!

 

Happy Christmas Everybody!

 

Did Pope Benedict find out the truth about Santa Claus? He was wavering as to whether to tell all, but aids finally persuaded him that the faithful were not quite ready for it, and sticking to the old line of Christmas being a celebration of the birth of Christ was best.

Christmas. A time of peace and love to all men. A time when the spirit of Santa Claus opps I mean the spirit of God descends upon the Earth. A time of happiness and joy, for reflection on our lives and exploring the true meaning of the goodness of the human spirit- a time for giving and receiving and for dreams to come true. Seeing the glowing and excited face of a young child as they unwrap their presents. It is all these things and more. Wonderful!

I cannot wait for the Xmas films to begin- especially the ones featuring Elves, so cute. And of course the ‘Happy ever after ones’ where Santa Claus saves the day and the little girl or boy with no hope who thought their parents had been killed in a freak yachting accident gets their prayers answered, when Santa Claus finds them washed up on a desert island and brings them home for Xmas ‘What do mean it’s not been made-‘ ‘Should be’

As for turkey I love it. This year I hand reared my own! I bought a little turkey hatch-ling and fed him on corn. My word he is so big now, and surprisingly fierce. Really, it could go either way as  to which one of us goes in the oven.

I like all the tinsel and decorations on the TV at Christmas time  All the presenters look so happy their hearts could burst! Their jaws super glued into a Christmas smile. Even the second rate daytime game shows are in on the act. I like the Celebrity Christmas Specials where they wheel out professional Celebs. These people Once Upon a Time played an obscure character in a soap opera and have never acted again since, or before thinking about it.  However they are cheap and look vaguely familiar to the general public. So job done!

A&E (Emergency Room)  Thankfully the Health Service does not have Christmas day off and is ready and able to retrieve the Christmas cracker gift that little Joe swallowed, or resuscitate Auntie Joan after she got strangled by a piece of tinsel!

I could remonstrate for hours about the never ending joys of Christmas but in truth I bloody hate it! If you are a Christian celebrating the birth of Christ, Christmas as the name implies is fine- as a celebration to break the monotony of winter also fine… but the ridiculous madness it has now become!

Food for thought (Not Turkey) It has recently been reported that particles of plastic are now being found in humans- hardly surprising since our oceans are now saturated with it. Sadly future generations may face the additional threat of ingesting ‘Tinsel Particles’ as retailers continue to  extend the Christmas shopping period.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY XX

 Please address any complaints about this blog to “Complaints Department Santa Claus Lapland” If you do not receive a reply you may have to wait until next Christmas-

Health Matters

 

A new recently released report says that not only obesity but being too thin can cause serious health issues? In fact being skinny is much more unhealthy than being fat apparently.  It seems allegedly that despite your lean thin athletic exterior your internal organs may still be surrounded with fat??? Being neither fat nor thin seems to be OK though!

Oh yeah, so now to live a long and happy life we need somehow to achieve the ‘Perfect Body Weight’ along with I presume the perfect exercise regime, perfect diet and have our DNA re modified to eliminate any genetic defects- and if you are too skinny have regular MRI scans of your internal organs to check for fat deposits perhaps!!!!

Plus to be really sure try and avoid leaving home in case of accidents or getting mugged and have the home you are now trapped in evaluated by a Health & Safety expert expert- just in case…………..

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…………………….

“Fracking Hell!”

 

Fracking has been carried out all over the world with no ill effects so far; So far is the operative phrase. The scientific bods say drilling bloody great holes in the ground shoving pipes and what not filled with high pressure water and sucking out the gas is harmless to the environment. Some how or other all this deep below ground ( in other words out of sight out of mind) poking around all settles down on its own, making a natural adjustment to the intrusion.

Most people are worried about pollution of the rivers and water supply from the chemicals used in the process. Because this has not been done on such a scale before no one can be certain as to the effects on the structure of the subterranean stuff below- subterranean stuff below is as scientific as I am going to get at this point.

However, in twenty years time when huge areas of the landscape disappear or drop ten or twenty feet as a consequence I am sure things living on the surface, or what used to be the surface will make an equally natural adjustment, as will the people living in their new environment, where the ground could disappear from under you at any moment- trees in the back garden go from forty feet to ten overnight and the entire landscape looks like it has been attacked by an infestation of giant moles.

Please dear reader don’t worry this is mere flippant fiction. I am sure we can all sleep peacefully in our beds at night in the Fracking regions until some underground fissure opens up and catapults both you and the bed through the ceiling that is…..!

As for the earth quakes these are a naturally occurring phenomenon, I know you never used to have them before, but they are only small ‘itsy bitsy’ ones aren’t they?

From “They Say Smoking Is Bad For You” by Paul Griffin

Rise of the Smartphone

 It is estimated that people now look at their Smartphones once every 12 minutes- an amazing fact……..!

Pictured below the new device being issued to Iraq Airways pilots to facilitate this popular new trend.

 

 You are wondering surely this will distract him from flying the air plane aren’t you? Fear not he has downloaded the New ACME© ‘ Air Plane Flying App.’

Whilst reading his email important air plane related messages like “ NUMBER ONE ENGINE ON FIRE” or  “LANDING GEAR INOPERATIVE” are flashed up on his mobile screen- and  even if it is a particularly interesting email he will take immediate action!