Brexit 2020

 

  FORWARD WIND…………June 6th 2020

‘The Daily Gazelle’ now the UK’s only National Newspaper.

 ‘Following the UK’s crash out of the European Union with NO Deal due to what can only be described as an almighty cock up all round! The severity of the ensuing economic crash has stunned most pundits! However the decision to turn the now disused Canary Wharf Tower into affordable apartments for the long term unemployed has pleased Homeless Charities. Ironically a lot of these people used to work there in better times!

In an unrelated story Mad Max Producers say they weren’t going to make another MM movie due to the cost, particularly of the special effects. On reflection “Filming in the now derelict streets of London seems like the perfect solution ” and therefore are now in talks to push the project forward. ‘

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Jesus said “ Judge not lest you be judged” In the case of Brexit going belly up I can make an exception. We all know who to blame don’t we!

Happy Christmas Everybody!

 

Did Pope Benedict find out the truth about Santa Claus? He was wavering as to whether to tell all, but aids finally persuaded him that the faithful were not quite ready for it, and sticking to the old line of Christmas being a celebration of the birth of Christ was best.

Christmas. A time of peace and love to all men. A time when the spirit of Santa Claus opps I mean the spirit of God descends upon the Earth. A time of happiness and joy, for reflection on our lives and exploring the true meaning of the goodness of the human spirit- a time for giving and receiving and for dreams to come true. Seeing the glowing and excited face of a young child as they unwrap their presents. It is all these things and more. Wonderful!

I cannot wait for the Xmas films to begin- especially the ones featuring Elves, so cute. And of course the ‘Happy ever after ones’ where Santa Claus saves the day and the little girl or boy with no hope who thought their parents had been killed in a freak yachting accident gets their prayers answered, when Santa Claus finds them washed up on a desert island and brings them home for Xmas ‘What do mean it’s not been made-‘ ‘Should be’

As for turkey I love it. This year I hand reared my own! I bought a little turkey hatch-ling and fed him on corn. My word he is so big now, and surprisingly fierce. Really, it could go either way as  to which one of us goes in the oven.

I like all the tinsel and decorations on the TV at Christmas time  All the presenters look so happy their hearts could burst! Their jaws super glued into a Christmas smile. Even the second rate daytime game shows are in on the act. I like the Celebrity Christmas Specials where they wheel out professional Celebs. These people Once Upon a Time played an obscure character in a soap opera and have never acted again since, or before thinking about it.  However they are cheap and look vaguely familiar to the general public. So job done!

A&E (Emergency Room)  Thankfully the Health Service does not have Christmas day off and is ready and able to retrieve the Christmas cracker gift that little Joe swallowed, or resuscitate Auntie Joan after she got strangled by a piece of tinsel!

I could remonstrate for hours about the never ending joys of Christmas but in truth I bloody hate it! If you are a Christian celebrating the birth of Christ, Christmas as the name implies is fine- as a celebration to break the monotony of winter also fine… but the ridiculous madness it has now become!

Food for thought (Not Turkey) It has recently been reported that particles of plastic are now being found in humans- hardly surprising since our oceans are now saturated with it. Sadly future generations may face the additional threat of ingesting ‘Tinsel Particles’ as retailers continue to  extend the Christmas shopping period.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY XX

 Please address any complaints about this blog to “Complaints Department Santa Claus Lapland” If you do not receive a reply you may have to wait until next Christmas-

Health Matters

 

A new recently released report says that not only obesity but being too thin can cause serious health issues? In fact being skinny is much more unhealthy than being fat apparently.  It seems allegedly that despite your lean thin athletic exterior your internal organs may still be surrounded with fat??? Being neither fat nor thin seems to be OK though!

Oh yeah, so now to live a long and happy life we need somehow to achieve the ‘Perfect Body Weight’ along with I presume the perfect exercise regime, perfect diet and have our DNA re modified to eliminate any genetic defects- and if you are too skinny have regular MRI scans of your internal organs to check for fat deposits perhaps!!!!

Plus to be really sure try and avoid leaving home in case of accidents or getting mugged and have the home you are now trapped in evaluated by a Health & Safety expert expert- just in case…………..

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…………………….

“Fracking Hell!”

 

Fracking has been carried out all over the world with no ill effects so far; So far is the operative phrase. The scientific bods say drilling bloody great holes in the ground shoving pipes and what not filled with high pressure water and sucking out the gas is harmless to the environment. Some how or other all this deep below ground ( in other words out of sight out of mind) poking around all settles down on its own, making a natural adjustment to the intrusion.

Most people are worried about pollution of the rivers and water supply from the chemicals used in the process. Because this has not been done on such a scale before no one can be certain as to the effects on the structure of the subterranean stuff below- subterranean stuff below is as scientific as I am going to get at this point.

However, in twenty years time when huge areas of the landscape disappear or drop ten or twenty feet as a consequence I am sure things living on the surface, or what used to be the surface will make an equally natural adjustment, as will the people living in their new environment, where the ground could disappear from under you at any moment- trees in the back garden go from forty feet to ten overnight and the entire landscape looks like it has been attacked by an infestation of giant moles.

Please dear reader don’t worry this is mere flippant fiction. I am sure we can all sleep peacefully in our beds at night in the Fracking regions until some underground fissure opens up and catapults both you and the bed through the ceiling that is…..!

As for the earth quakes these are a naturally occurring phenomenon, I know you never used to have them before, but they are only small ‘itsy bitsy’ ones aren’t they?

From “They Say Smoking Is Bad For You” by Paul Griffin

Rise of the Smartphone

 It is estimated that people now look at their Smartphones once every 12 minutes- an amazing fact……..!

Pictured below the new device being issued to Iraq Airways pilots to facilitate this popular new trend.

 

 You are wondering surely this will distract him from flying the air plane aren’t you? Fear not he has downloaded the New ACME© ‘ Air Plane Flying App.’

Whilst reading his email important air plane related messages like “ NUMBER ONE ENGINE ON FIRE” or  “LANDING GEAR INOPERATIVE” are flashed up on his mobile screen- and  even if it is a particularly interesting email he will take immediate action!

Fake News?

An interesting new picture of Kim Jong Un has just been released. ( Kim with pet cat Noodles)

This coincides with North Korea’s alleged recent purchase from China of a small island in the South China sea. In another possibly related incident a leaked report from Pinewood Studios set building department claimed an anonymous party had been making enquires regarding the construction of a life sized fake volcano.

(similar to pic below)

Furthermore the fact that Kim has  been seen in private wearing an eye patch whilst watching his favourite Bond film and his new personal assistant is called Oddjob Um are worrying new developments. Hopefully this is just pure fantasy on his part and will not hinder future talks around his true intentions regarding the North Korean nuclear weapons programme.

 

See more Political Satire at Feedspot

 

Greetings Donald

 

Has the British government been editing pictures of protests against Donald Trump? Looking at the picture above I suspect this may be true!

The British people are waiting with baited breathe and a feeling of excited anticipation for the Donald Trump UK visit.💂 Why the visit has been down graded from a State Visit then to an Official Visit and now just a ‘Visit’ is a mystery to me?

Of course there may be a few simple minded totally misguided souls protesting but who cares. ‘ Let them eat cake’ as the saying goes. I for one have been making a hand quilted US flag that will fly proudly from my roof top throughout this momentous occasion.

People object to his policies and the manner in which he conducts his Presidency. I think ‘It Rocks’ Forget just the wall with Mexico- come on Donald show your ‘True Grit’ and go for the ‘Big One’ a wall around the whole of the USA. My word the construction companies would be in clover for decades. Plus this has the double whammy benefit of protecting the US coastline from rising sea levels after sticking the Paris climate change agreement,a wise move all round really.

Us Brits will back you all the way! ‘The Special Relationship’ DT milk it while you can. The UK is probably about to spend the next two years falling off a cliff after Brexit. Somehow we are expecting the US to be like the frigging Lone Ranger and come to our rescue-with Tonto backing up the rear (so to speak)

Now for something completely different ‘ What do you call a fly with no wings’  ‘A Walk’..Ha Ha….. Well no actually its called a Nyckerbiidae (or bat fly) There is always someone that has to spoil my jokes… oh well back to my quilting it’s coming on nicely…. Always did like red white and green!

 

Read more Polictical Satire Blogs at Feedspot

 

Currant Affairs

” Kim Jong Un comes in from the cold?”

 

It appears Kim Jong Un North Koreas crazy despot leader is making conciliatory noises regarding establishing better relations with the rest of the world. He has even intimated he may consider dismantling his nuclear weapon programme I understand?

If you believe Kim is about to give up his nuclear weapons- then I presume you also believe Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy are real? Sorry they really are not; It came as a shock to me I must say. God knows how much it’s cost me sending all those letters to Lapland and the bastard never has replied….

Data Sharing/Identity Theft

So sorry to hear of Facebooks problems with ‘Data Sharing’👎 Identity theft and illegal data sharing have become a real issue of the modern internet age. To avoid some of these issues I always use a false ID for all my internet transactions-which of course I bought online…I paid with my new credit card (also bought online) It’s registered to Attila T Hun but seemed to work a treat to my delight. Much cheaper than a real one-

My passport chap has also been very helpful he is currently doing a great deal on his ‘Bolivian Range’…. mind you I was thinking being a Bolivian Army Colonel could look a bit dodgy me living in the UK and all……..and as for the big moustache? A bit itchy at first but fine once you get used to it-😎

Stop The World I Want To Get Off

 

Vladimir Putin recently announced with glee that his new super brand of nuclear missiles could penetrate the American defense system. ‘Whoppe’ Vladimir! In case you hadn’t noticed the Cold War is over. An election was afoot that he was going to win anyway but he needed a bit of the old Cold War rhetoric to keep everyone in the old Mother country happy. Do the poor bastards living in some remote Siberian village who now resemble a pack of frozen fish fingers after the awful winter months, eaten their last Yak and been fattening granny all summer as a last resort really give a toss what he’s doing?

Meanwhile back at the ranch the USA has its own problems………Trumps view that it’s mentally ill people not the ridiculous US gun laws that is causing all the school massacres doesn’t seem to be going down too well……….

Died in the USA
Sanity by the looks of it…..Wayne La Pierre’s plan to possibly arm school teachers seems reasonable to him and his other gun mad cohorts at the NRA. To the normal rational decent human being it seems like utter madness. The now seemingly endless list of poor souls who have lost their loved ones don’t seem impressed either.

So “Hi kids sorry about the body armour – try not to worry. Oh I may have to keep taking breaks to check on my M-16…. not too sure at the moment about the old safety catch just yet. I think it’s on…. lessons will end a bit early today as I am on the assault course later….. They told me the hand grenades are safe unless……..Unless? Better check on that as well I guess…..”

Rather than go through the whole thing over and over I will get to the point. The Second Amendment should be ‘Amended’. If you read some of the guff regarding this amendment the whole thing originally seemed to refer to citizens being allowed to bare arms in defense of the state….Not to be God Damned armed to the teeth willy nilly for all perpetuity. A lot of the arguments for guns is based on people wanting to hunt……….Hunt frigging what exactly? As far as I am aware New York and other similar conurbations are not known for their wildlife……An infestation of squirrels or pigeons in the back yard does not require battle field weapons? Well I suppose if they were giant mutations that had escaped from Area 51……… another story in itself?

Other than to mention that Wayne La Pierre was reportedly on a salary of $ 5,051,249 I will say no more……………

The last resort ‘Evacuate Planet Earth’ ‘Sounds good to me’

“Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking (RIP) set a deadline for humanity to save itself. Within the next 100 years, he warned, we need to colonize Mars and other planets. If we don’t, we may not survive climate change, disease, and other versions of doom we’re bound to inflict on ourselves this century. “
“We have given our planet the disastrous gift of climate change … When we have reached similar crises there has usually been somewhere else to colonize … But there is no new world, no utopia around the corner,” he said. “We are running out of space, and the only places to go to are other worlds.”

In other words once planet Earth has finally gone to pot it will be time to move on- and once we have destroyed our new home world! Move on again and again and again………….

Which brings me to the Moon -The Moon is moving away from Earth  all be it very slowly at the moment ..

It’s easy to take the Moon for granted, even on a clear night when it can light up the sky. It really feels as if it has always been there just as it is now, throughout history. But that’s not strictly true.
It is thought that the Moon was formed when a proto-planet about the size of Mars collided with the early Earth around 4.5bn years ago. The debris left over from impact coalesced to form the Moon. Computer simulations of such an impact are consistent with the Earth Moon system we see in the 21st Century.
The simulations also imply that at the time of its formation, the Moon sat much closer to the Earth – a mere 22,500km (14,000 miles) away, compared with the quarter of a million miles (402,336 km) between the Earth and the Moon today.

It’s probably had enough and is trying to escape Moon Base Alpha style while the going is good. I suspect in a Gaia like manner super intelligent bacteria are living below the surface. After the first moon landing they observed the crazy ape like creatures jumping up and down planting flags, and generally making complete idiots of themselves, and finally have now had enough. I fully expect the process of moving to dramatically speed up in the near future.

The Gaia hypothesis known as the Gaia theory or the Gaia principle, proposes that living organisms interact with their inorganic surroundings on Earth to form a synergistic and self-regulating, complex system that helps to maintain and perpetuate the conditions for life on the planet. In the case of the moon these interactions are being driven by the intelligent bacteria interacting with the moons gravity thus creating kinetic energy resulting in movement. Once these little buggers get a bit of practice that will be it…. Adios

Does it matter if the moon leaves us? Not really. Apart from the fact we will have no tides and the weather will change from midsummer to mid winter hourly nothing to worry about………Sort of the same as weather in the UK now…………. so no worries for us.

Moon Base Alpha- Classic sci-fi where a moon colony get trapped on the moon after it breaks free from orbit they end up on a never ending journey through space- (well a few series)

Anyone wishing to sue me please feel free. My Lawyers Trump Putin & Christian Anderson handle all my legal affairs. Please address to ‘Fake News’ Trumptin Tower ,East Cheam , London UK

Hello Russia ( The Beast from The East)

Hello Russia I see the Siberian Tourist board has sent us an example of their wonderful winter weather to sample. A bit like Dante’s Inferno in reverse… So if you find your testicles have retracted  deep into your groin and your pecker has shrunk to the size of a small chipolata try not to worry…It’s Uncle Joe’s way of saying hello……I am sure your sexual appendages will return to normal as soon as the glorious British summer hits. How the Russians reproduce seems a bit of a mystery to me. I assume a frenzied mating season occurs in the torrid summer recess

 

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