Aha!

So Greta Thunberg is a much smarter cookie than we thought– After years of denial suddenly we are now in a ‘Climate Emergency’! Corporations are rushing to De Carbonise everything & anything they can think of. There’s “Money in them tha hills”

‘Microsoft’s newest ‘moonshot’ would make it carbon negative by 2030 – and eventually remove all of the carbon it has emitted since it was founded in 1975 from the environment’ – Really!

So if your new PC arrives with a big pipe coming out the back and Carbon Dioxide Monitoring Software don’t be surprised.

This all seems very promising doesn’t it? No not really China has just announced it will be using more coal – digging more coal mines and  building more coal powered generating stations…

Aha so that’s a ‘score draw’ Planet Earth= 1 Insanity= 1

Meanwhile back at the ranch- Ford have just revealed their new prototype ‘totally Eco friendly car’


Prince Harry Flies The Nest

Prince Harry & Wife Meghan have decided that they wish to redefine their role within the UK’s Royal family. They said that they planned to split their time between the UK. and North America, while “continuing to honour our duty to the queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages,” according to a post on their new website. They wish among other things to be financially independent.

However It is reported Prince Charles will still pay 95% of Meghan Markle and Harry’s costs despite their wish for ‘financial independence ‘

 Senior royals may have been surprised by Duke & Duchess of Sussex’s announcement but plans were being made as long ago as last summer it is reported. Applications to trademark their brand “Sussex Royal”for a range of goods and activities were lodged with UK intellectual property authorities last June!

As yet nobody knows what these goods and activities may be- The Funny Books Blog has come up with a few viable suggestions below……..

  

 I actually am a big fan of Prince Harry & Meghan – mindful of his Mother’s fate I cannot say I wouldn’t do the same…. (Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, died in a car accident while trying to escape the paparazzi in Paris in 1997.)

 

So good luck and well done Dad!

 

Robo Warden

Westminster Council London Unveil their NEW Automated Traffic Warden

 

A spokesperson said “ Our Wardens were sick of the abuse they receive from the general public & will be assigned other roles in the council once the new system is fully operational”

“The new robot wardens will be impervious to abuse, amour piercing shells and anything else you care to throw at them! “

The Council deny claims that they are over zealous in their issuing of Parking Fines simply using it as a money making scheme.

They also deny that the new robot wardens are in any way intimidating.

Download a FREE eBook by Paul Griffin the Author of this Blog!!

To Boldly Go

 

‘HAPPY NEW YEAR!’

 

‘To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before’

 Warning this blog contains technical stuff- if you are looking for farting jokes or similar please go to Reddit…....

 I love Star Trek always been a big fan- they show the original series on the ‘Horror’ Channel in the UK ‘ Fascinating’ They seem to be able to fly the Enterprise with what looks like a few switches and light bulbs from the local hardware store… Wonderful stuff- some good stories though.

Warp Drive

Distances in space are so vast that astronomers usually measure them in light-years, the distance light can travel in a year’s time. A single light-year equals about six trillion miles. So an essential part of kit is the beloved Warp Drive.

 In the “Star Trek” universe, warp speed is accomplished through the use of a warp drive. The warp drive is powered by matter-antimatter reactions, which are regulated by a substance called dilithium. This reaction creates highly-energetic plasma known as electro-plasma, a type of matter with its own magnetic field, which reacts with the starship’s warp coils. The warp coils are typically enclosed in what the “Star Trek” writers call a warp nacelle. The whole package creates a “warp field” or “bubble” around the Enterprise, allowing the ship and its crew to remain safe while space manipulates around them. Interesting stuff a?

However Einstein’s theory of relativity states nothing can move faster than the speed of light? Also at the speed of light you would age much less, if so at  Warp Factor    9.6  1,909 times light speed who knows, you might leave age 43 and come back as a new born baby!

The Aliens

 I love the Aliens in Star Trek Thousands of light years from Mother Earth you would think communication would be difficult- there is a device called a Universal Translator but fortunately all the Aliens can speak English! Normally with an American accent which is handy…..that plus the fact they are mostly humanoid i.e. like us, more or less. Of course they might look a bit like a lizard- or otherwise unpleasant to the eye! It also goes without saying they might have two hearts, green blood, three livers, telepathic powers or whatever.

There is no reason extraterrestrial beings should not be as small as an Ant or 100 meters tall is there? Other than the films would look bloody ridiculous-

More Space News

Space X

SpaceX has launched 120 of a planned 12,000 small broadband satellites into low Earth orbit. The company is placing its first 1,584 satellites in a 550-kilometer orbit, with later satellites planned for higher and lower altitudes.

ACME CEO Mark Gutterpuke comments: “ This is an ambitious project, which may have the added bonus of helping with the Global Warming problem. Such a large number of Satellites may well block out sunlight from reaching the planets surface. Thus reducing overall temperatures. However there may be a point in the future when the same creates a new Ice Age! Additionally future space missions will be hampered by having to navigate their way through into deep space.

Crisis At Christmas

 

 

” Billionaire Heiress Tamara Ecclestone Loses £50 Million Worth Of Jewellery In Robbery”

 

 

Homeless man Fred Smith said ” I was gutted to hear about the robbery- Me and some of the lads at the Homeless Shelter will be holding a collection after our Salvation Army Xmas dinner- it won’t raise much- but it’s the thought that counts” “God Bless Tamara”

Safe Hands?

 

Boris Johnson wins UK election…………………………

Thanks be to God the UK is now in safe hands- the Trump & Johnson team united in creating a land ‘Fit for Heroes’ our pockets lined with Dollar bills from the pending US/UK trade deal.

 I remain unconvinced so my money is going Off Shore-ASAP & preferably to somewhere well above sea level- sorry Cayman Islands!

Authors favorite posts…..!!
————————————————-

“Sweet Dreams Darling”

 

 

“Of course it isn’t going to end darling. It will just be a bit different in the future. Some of those cute little islands we saw in the Atlas the other day won’t be there in the new Atlas. And our house will be much nearer the seaside. You like the seaside don’t you? And in some countries the weather will be a bit funny that’s all.

If you are still scared in the morning I can ask Uncle Donald to talk to you, he doesn’t think there is anything to worry about. And even if he did I’m sure all those nice people from the UN can make it better again. And in the meantime we could write to Father Christmas he always knows what’s best doesn’t he?”

Sweet dreams darling XX

mommysays.com

UK Winter Election News

Despite the bad weather Prime Minister Johnson is determined to carry on campaigning on the doorstep. The last UK Winter Election was in 1923 – so the forthcoming Election is quite a rare event.

Also unprecedented The Funny Books Blog has learnt Polling Stations will be serving Hot Chocolate to the elderly- as well as offering tips on how to stay warm.

Additionally the NHS will be be setting up a Hotline Telephone service in selected stations to give advice to people turning up to vote with Frostbite.

In yet another unusual move it has been suggested voters unable to grip the pencil to mark the voting form due to frozen fingers should grip the pencil in their mouths- “A cross is a cross no matter how it is made” a spokesperson said!

So “Let’s get the job done”

Pic above “Another familiar face on the campaign trail”

 Book updates…………………

Book Deal!Get Paul’s book ‘Funny'(Paperback) for ONLY $2.80(Was $6.58) from Amazon USA  (limited time offer)

FREE eBook sampler available from the Funny Books website

In/Out by Colonel Rage “Let the anger out”

Thank you to the Colonel for this contribution.

 Colonel Rage (Retired) Writes-

 Greetings from the UK (formerly Great Britain!). On December 12th we are having a ‘General Referendum’ sorry chaps I mean  ‘General Election’ of course, silly me. It amounts to the same thing, those who want to stay in the EU will vote tactically as will those who want to leave I should imagine. Resulting in who bally knows what! The battle lines are being drawn and the weaponry is prepared- if the innocent voter had any sense they would put on the old camouflage and head for the damned hills pronto. Personally I never have cared for the French & as for the Krauts and the other hangers on best shot of all of them I say-

Jumpin’ Jupiter after years of budget cuts, poor souls waiting on trolleys in A&E for hours on end, Bobbies on the beat as rare as the Mongolian Stag beetle, & a Social Care system based on the Bolivian Model. The major political parties are now having a spending bidding war “ My Budget is bigger than yours- so there”. It appears money is now cheap to borrow. Borrow chaps? Back in the day if we were a bit short of cash we would invade another country strip it of its assets and ship them back to the Motherland. Happy days

Of course climate change will be addressed in our new Utopian dream world -The weather has been been playing God Damned havoc with my Prize Marrows in recent years. The planet which is already shifting on its axis more than normal will be wobbling about like a jelly on a stick before long- Enough is enough!

The final solution

All this hippy dippy talk about Carbon Emissions saving the Rain Forests and a few Polar bears and all, doesn’t cut it with me. What is needed is a military approach- Hit it hard, nip it in the bud NOW!….

Elon Musk has a few ideas up his sleeve and Trump is waiting in the wings- Terra-forming is the new fangled idea I have in mind. A few strategically placed Nukes shot up into the old atmosphere and ‘Bobs your uncle- Once things have settled down a bit and the dust has cleared!

The Colonels Election Personnel Report-…IN/ OUT…..

 Ok chaps I’ve devised this little chart to help you with your electoral (referendum mark 2) decision- We can assume that paradise is coming whoever wins……..

Nigel Farage -a good egg with a fine military bearing- Completely bonkers unfortunately ‘OUT’

Boris Johnson Top hole chap….would make a fine military man. Happy to sacrifice a few troops and not worry about civilian casualties to get the job done. ‘OUT’  

Jeremy CorbynOnce a Commie always a Commie………’IN/OUT WHO KNOWS’

Jo SwinsonLacks the military muscle and the ‘The let them eat cake’ factor- ‘IN’

Nicola Sturgeon – Something fishy about this woman all round – Nicola Queen of Scots? Does she dream per chance of riding triumphant through the glens with the severed head of the next UK Prime Minister in one hand ? ‘OUT of everything’

Every man for themselves For Queen & Country  Good luck & God Bless- See you on the other side?

 Colonel Rage

 

And Then There Were None

Pic above a Dodo- (Not a turkey! If this looks like your new pet Budgie I suggest you contact the Darwin Institute ASAP )

Since the dawn of Man (& Woman) hundreds if not thousands of species have become extinct! Unlike the mass extinction events of geological history, the current extinction challenge is one for which a single species – ours – appears to be almost wholly responsible.  I suspect ultimately we will make ourselves extinct but that is another story.

In the UK we have seemingly endless TV programs about Wildlife. David Attenborough God Bless him has become the ‘Go To’ authority on all things natural! I should imagine to meet the huge demand for this a whole new specialised industry has evolved; from new types of miniature night vision cameras to mobile canteens adapted for rugged Jungle or Polar conditions to feed the huge film crews.

It begs the question how many of these species hanging on for dear life as it is have been pushed further along the road to extinction by these film teams and associated equipment obliterating their previously pristine habitat, and generally causing ecological mayhem and upset all round.

You are just settled down in the nest for the night with Mrs Rare Species, in the mood for love hoping to reproduce some little rare babies when a God Damned miniature night vision camera comes into the nest pokes you up the backside which brings on a bout of anxiety triggered Erectile Dysfunction and that is that! A few more steps towards the Reference Books & Natural History museum.

 The Galápagos Islands 

The Galápagos Islands are noted as a home to a large number of endemic species. The stark rocky islands (many with few plants) made it necessary for many species need to adapt to survive here and by doing so evolving into new endemic species. It was after visiting the Galápagos and studying the endemic wildlife that inhabit the islands that a young Charles Darwin developed his theory of evolution. Yeah I know eco speak blurb yawn

The islands now also seem to be a popular tourist destination.  There  now lots of nice hotels to stay in and the keen nature lovers will be able to descend on mass to look at, poke at, and generally upset the hapless previously virtually undisturbed rare creatures. Have no doubt within a few years the surrounding seas will be awash with plastic bags empty Champagne bottles, used condoms and all the other paraphernalia  & crap we insist is essential to our existence. NEW on the hotel menu Iguana eggs for breakfast- Penguin Ala orange perhaps?

The list of tours available to exotic destinations of ecological interest is growing. Are people really that interested in our wonderful planet? (Best observed sooner than later I would say) or is it the status and kudos of sticking one of these destinations on the must do, ‘look at us swimming with’ whatever list….

Personally I settle for a fortnight in Benidorm staggering about pissed oblivious to my own existence let alone the local wildlife, which in rare moments of sobriety  seems to mainly consist of my fellow tourists………