Happy Christmas Everybody!

 

Did Pope Benedict find out the truth about Santa Claus? He was wavering as to whether to tell all, but aids finally persuaded him that the faithful were not quite ready for it, and sticking to the old line of Christmas being a celebration of the birth of Christ was best.

Christmas. A time of peace and love to all men. A time when the spirit of Santa Claus opps I mean the spirit of God descends upon the Earth. A time of happiness and joy, for reflection on our lives and exploring the true meaning of the goodness of the human spirit- a time for giving and receiving and for dreams to come true. Seeing the glowing and excited face of a young child as they unwrap their presents. It is all these things and more. Wonderful!

I cannot wait for the Xmas films to begin- especially the ones featuring Elves, so cute. And of course the ‘Happy ever after ones’ where Santa Claus saves the day and the little girl or boy with no hope who thought their parents had been killed in a freak yachting accident gets their prayers answered, when Santa Claus finds them washed up on a desert island and brings them home for Xmas ‘What do mean it’s not been made-‘ ‘Should be’

As for turkey I love it. This year I hand reared my own! I bought a little turkey hatch-ling and fed him on corn. My word he is so big now, and surprisingly fierce. Really, it could go either way as  to which one of us goes in the oven.

I like all the tinsel and decorations on the TV at Christmas time  All the presenters look so happy their hearts could burst! Their jaws super glued into a Christmas smile. Even the second rate daytime game shows are in on the act. I like the Celebrity Christmas Specials where they wheel out professional Celebs. These people Once Upon a Time played an obscure character in a soap opera and have never acted again since, or before thinking about it.  However they are cheap and look vaguely familiar to the general public. So job done!

A&E (Emergency Room)  Thankfully the Health Service does not have Christmas day off and is ready and able to retrieve the Christmas cracker gift that little Joe swallowed, or resuscitate Auntie Joan after she got strangled by a piece of tinsel!

I could remonstrate for hours about the never ending joys of Christmas but in truth I bloody hate it! If you are a Christian celebrating the birth of Christ, Christmas as the name implies is fine- as a celebration to break the monotony of winter also fine… but the ridiculous madness it has now become!

Food for thought (Not Turkey) It has recently been reported that particles of plastic are now being found in humans- hardly surprising since our oceans are now saturated with it. Sadly future generations may face the additional threat of ingesting ‘Tinsel Particles’ as retailers continue to  extend the Christmas shopping period.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY XX

 Please address any complaints about this blog to “Complaints Department Santa Claus Lapland” If you do not receive a reply you may have to wait until next Christmas-

Health Matters

 

A new recently released report says that not only obesity but being too thin can cause serious health issues? In fact being skinny is much more unhealthy than being fat apparently.  It seems allegedly that despite your lean thin athletic exterior your internal organs may still be surrounded with fat??? Being neither fat nor thin seems to be OK though!

Oh yeah, so now to live a long and happy life we need somehow to achieve the ‘Perfect Body Weight’ along with I presume the perfect exercise regime, perfect diet and have our DNA re modified to eliminate any genetic defects- and if you are too skinny have regular MRI scans of your internal organs to check for fat deposits perhaps!!!!

Plus to be really sure try and avoid leaving home in case of accidents or getting mugged and have the home you are now trapped in evaluated by a Health & Safety expert expert- just in case…………..

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…………………….

“Fracking Hell!”

 

Fracking has been carried out all over the world with no ill effects so far; So far is the operative phrase. The scientific bods say drilling bloody great holes in the ground shoving pipes and what not filled with high pressure water and sucking out the gas is harmless to the environment. Some how or other all this deep below ground ( in other words out of sight out of mind) poking around all settles down on its own, making a natural adjustment to the intrusion.

Most people are worried about pollution of the rivers and water supply from the chemicals used in the process. Because this has not been done on such a scale before no one can be certain as to the effects on the structure of the subterranean stuff below- subterranean stuff below is as scientific as I am going to get at this point.

However, in twenty years time when huge areas of the landscape disappear or drop ten or twenty feet as a consequence I am sure things living on the surface, or what used to be the surface will make an equally natural adjustment, as will the people living in their new environment, where the ground could disappear from under you at any moment- trees in the back garden go from forty feet to ten overnight and the entire landscape looks like it has been attacked by an infestation of giant moles.

Please dear reader don’t worry this is mere flippant fiction. I am sure we can all sleep peacefully in our beds at night in the Fracking regions until some underground fissure opens up and catapults both you and the bed through the ceiling that is…..!

As for the earth quakes these are a naturally occurring phenomenon, I know you never used to have them before, but they are only small ‘itsy bitsy’ ones aren’t they?

From “They Say Smoking Is Bad For You” by Paul Griffin

Rise of the Smartphone

 It is estimated that people now look at their Smartphones once every 12 minutes- an amazing fact……..!

Pictured below the new device being issued to Iraq Airways pilots to facilitate this popular new trend.

 

 You are wondering surely this will distract him from flying the air plane aren’t you? Fear not he has downloaded the New ACME© ‘ Air Plane Flying App.’

Whilst reading his email important air plane related messages like “ NUMBER ONE ENGINE ON FIRE” or  “LANDING GEAR INOPERATIVE” are flashed up on his mobile screen- and  even if it is a particularly interesting email he will take immediate action!