Prince Harry Flies The Nest

Prince Harry & Wife Meghan have decided that they wish to redefine their role within the UK’s Royal family. They said that they planned to split their time between the UK. and North America, while “continuing to honour our duty to the queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages,” according to a post on their new website. They wish among other things to be financially independent.

However It is reported Prince Charles will still pay 95% of Meghan Markle and Harry’s costs despite their wish for ‘financial independence ‘

 Senior royals may have been surprised by Duke & Duchess of Sussex’s announcement but plans were being made as long ago as last summer it is reported. Applications to trademark their brand “Sussex Royal”for a range of goods and activities were lodged with UK intellectual property authorities last June!

As yet nobody knows what these goods and activities may be- The Funny Books Blog has come up with a few viable suggestions below……..

  

 I actually am a big fan of Prince Harry & Meghan – mindful of his Mother’s fate I cannot say I wouldn’t do the same…. (Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, died in a car accident while trying to escape the paparazzi in Paris in 1997.)

 

So good luck and well done Dad!

 

Robo Warden

Westminster Council London Unveil their NEW Automated Traffic Warden

 

A spokesperson said “ Our Wardens were sick of the abuse they receive from the general public & will be assigned other roles in the council once the new system is fully operational”

“The new robot wardens will be impervious to abuse, amour piercing shells and anything else you care to throw at them! “

The Council deny claims that they are over zealous in their issuing of Parking Fines simply using it as a money making scheme.

They also deny that the new robot wardens are in any way intimidating.

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To Boldly Go

 

‘HAPPY NEW YEAR!’

 

‘To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before’

 Warning this blog contains technical stuff- if you are looking for farting jokes or similar please go to Reddit…....

 I love Star Trek always been a big fan- they show the original series on the ‘Horror’ Channel in the UK ‘ Fascinating’ They seem to be able to fly the Enterprise with what looks like a few switches and light bulbs from the local hardware store… Wonderful stuff- some good stories though.

Warp Drive

Distances in space are so vast that astronomers usually measure them in light-years, the distance light can travel in a year’s time. A single light-year equals about six trillion miles. So an essential part of kit is the beloved Warp Drive.

 In the “Star Trek” universe, warp speed is accomplished through the use of a warp drive. The warp drive is powered by matter-antimatter reactions, which are regulated by a substance called dilithium. This reaction creates highly-energetic plasma known as electro-plasma, a type of matter with its own magnetic field, which reacts with the starship’s warp coils. The warp coils are typically enclosed in what the “Star Trek” writers call a warp nacelle. The whole package creates a “warp field” or “bubble” around the Enterprise, allowing the ship and its crew to remain safe while space manipulates around them. Interesting stuff a?

However Einstein’s theory of relativity states nothing can move faster than the speed of light? Also at the speed of light you would age much less, if so at  Warp Factor    9.6  1,909 times light speed who knows, you might leave age 43 and come back as a new born baby!

The Aliens

 I love the Aliens in Star Trek Thousands of light years from Mother Earth you would think communication would be difficult- there is a device called a Universal Translator but fortunately all the Aliens can speak English! Normally with an American accent which is handy…..that plus the fact they are mostly humanoid i.e. like us, more or less. Of course they might look a bit like a lizard- or otherwise unpleasant to the eye! It also goes without saying they might have two hearts, green blood, three livers, telepathic powers or whatever.

There is no reason extraterrestrial beings should not be as small as an Ant or 100 meters tall is there? Other than the films would look bloody ridiculous-

More Space News

Space X

SpaceX has launched 120 of a planned 12,000 small broadband satellites into low Earth orbit. The company is placing its first 1,584 satellites in a 550-kilometer orbit, with later satellites planned for higher and lower altitudes.

ACME CEO Mark Gutterpuke comments: “ This is an ambitious project, which may have the added bonus of helping with the Global Warming problem. Such a large number of Satellites may well block out sunlight from reaching the planets surface. Thus reducing overall temperatures. However there may be a point in the future when the same creates a new Ice Age! Additionally future space missions will be hampered by having to navigate their way through into deep space.

Crisis At Christmas

 

 

” Billionaire Heiress Tamara Ecclestone Loses £50 Million Worth Of Jewellery In Robbery”

 

 

Homeless man Fred Smith said ” I was gutted to hear about the robbery- Me and some of the lads at the Homeless Shelter will be holding a collection after our Salvation Army Xmas dinner- it won’t raise much- but it’s the thought that counts” “God Bless Tamara”

UK Winter Election News

Despite the bad weather Prime Minister Johnson is determined to carry on campaigning on the doorstep. The last UK Winter Election was in 1923 – so the forthcoming Election is quite a rare event.

Also unprecedented The Funny Books Blog has learnt Polling Stations will be serving Hot Chocolate to the elderly- as well as offering tips on how to stay warm.

Additionally the NHS will be be setting up a Hotline Telephone service in selected stations to give advice to people turning up to vote with Frostbite.

In yet another unusual move it has been suggested voters unable to grip the pencil to mark the voting form due to frozen fingers should grip the pencil in their mouths- “A cross is a cross no matter how it is made” a spokesperson said!

So “Let’s get the job done”

Pic above “Another familiar face on the campaign trail”

 Book updates…………………

Book Deal!Get Paul’s book ‘Funny'(Paperback) for ONLY $2.80(Was $6.58) from Amazon USA  (limited time offer)

FREE eBook sampler available from the Funny Books website

The Dark Side Of The Moon

China started out the year by doing something that no nation has done before: It landed a spacecraft and an accompanying rover on the far side of the moon with an ambitious scientific payload package and an exciting mission ahead to study the interior structure of the moon with the help of ground-penetrating radar, among other things.

Almost equally impressive from a technical standpoint, China successfully placed a communication relay satellite into a lunar halo orbit to enable the command of, and communication with, both the spacecraft and rover, which do not have line-of-sight views of Earth for direct radio contact.

The ‘Dark Side’ cannot ever be seen from Earth and is previously unexplored – until now. What is there that is so different from the other side? Nothing! No it is not where God lives- Is not populated by Alien invaders preparing their conquest of Earth well it could be the Chinese may be keeping that little nugget to themselves at this stage. So more than likely just a boring load of rocks and stuff the same as the other side.

Why? So why did the Chinese have such an interest in going there? Because on the ‘Dark Side’ no one can see what the hell they are up to is why. They obviously intend to expand the Chinese Economic Miracle beyond Planet Earth and despite no concrete evidence also believe shy and elusive extra terrestrial beings are more likely to wish to visit a secluded place like the dark side of the Moon to do business…..All very logical.  The advanced technology possessed by  the Aliens would give China the jump on all its other competitors back on the home world?……Whether or not contact is made remains to be seen………..

Chinese Culture

Chinese leader Xi Jinping believes “Chinese culture is the best the world has to offer. This is particularity true of our tasty and healthy cuisine.” A chain of Chinese Takeaways stretching throughout the solar system may seem ambitious at this stage- it begs the question as to exactly where the customers will come from? However the Chinese view is that as humans continue to explore space what could be better than stopping off for Chicken Balls & Chow Mein on that arduous trip to Mars or wherever. They are confident the universal appeal of  the Chinese Takeaway back on earth will translate into a viable interstellar business. Rock on China

Brexit 2020

 

  FORWARD WIND…………June 6th 2020

‘The Daily Gazelle’ now the UK’s only National Newspaper.

 ‘Following the UK’s crash out of the European Union with NO Deal due to what can only be described as an almighty cock up all round! The severity of the ensuing economic crash has stunned most pundits! However the decision to turn the now disused Canary Wharf Tower into affordable apartments for the long term unemployed has pleased Homeless Charities. Ironically a lot of these people used to work there in better times!

In an unrelated story Mad Max Producers say they weren’t going to make another MM movie due to the cost, particularly of the special effects. On reflection “Filming in the now derelict streets of London seems like the perfect solution ” and therefore are now in talks to push the project forward. ‘

Jesus said “ Judge not lest you be judged” In the case of Brexit going belly up I can make an exception. We all know who to blame don’t we!

Live in the USA? Get the Funny paperback for ONLY $2.81 Limited time offer…. 

Happy Christmas Everybody!

 

Did Pope Benedict find out the truth about Santa Claus? He was wavering as to whether to tell all, but aids finally persuaded him that the faithful were not quite ready for it, and sticking to the old line of Christmas being a celebration of the birth of Christ was best.

Christmas. A time of peace and love to all men. A time when the spirit of Santa Claus opps I mean the spirit of God descends upon the Earth. A time of happiness and joy, for reflection on our lives and exploring the true meaning of the goodness of the human spirit- a time for giving and receiving and for dreams to come true. Seeing the glowing and excited face of a young child as they unwrap their presents. It is all these things and more. Wonderful!

I cannot wait for the Xmas films to begin- especially the ones featuring Elves, so cute. And of course the ‘Happy ever after ones’ where Santa Claus saves the day and the little girl or boy with no hope who thought their parents had been killed in a freak yachting accident gets their prayers answered, when Santa Claus finds them washed up on a desert island and brings them home for Xmas ‘What do mean it’s not been made-‘ ‘Should be’

As for turkey I love it. This year I hand reared my own! I bought a little turkey hatch-ling and fed him on corn. My word he is so big now, and surprisingly fierce. Really, it could go either way as  to which one of us goes in the oven.

I like all the tinsel and decorations on the TV at Christmas time  All the presenters look so happy their hearts could burst! Their jaws super glued into a Christmas smile. Even the second rate daytime game shows are in on the act. I like the Celebrity Christmas Specials where they wheel out professional Celebs. These people Once Upon a Time played an obscure character in a soap opera and have never acted again since, or before thinking about it.  However they are cheap and look vaguely familiar to the general public. So job done!

A&E (Emergency Room)  Thankfully the Health Service does not have Christmas day off and is ready and able to retrieve the Christmas cracker gift that little Joe swallowed, or resuscitate Auntie Joan after she got strangled by a piece of tinsel!

I could remonstrate for hours about the never ending joys of Christmas but in truth I bloody hate it! If you are a Christian celebrating the birth of Christ, Christmas as the name implies is fine- as a celebration to break the monotony of winter also fine… but the ridiculous madness it has now become!

Food for thought (Not Turkey) It has recently been reported that particles of plastic are now being found in humans- hardly surprising since our oceans are now saturated with it. Sadly future generations may face the additional threat of ingesting ‘Tinsel Particles’ as retailers continue to  extend the Christmas shopping period.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY XX

 Please address any complaints about this blog to “Complaints Department Santa Claus Lapland” If you do not receive a reply you may have to wait until next Christmas-

Fake News?

An interesting new picture of Kim Jong Un has just been released. ( Kim with pet cat Noodles)

This coincides with North Korea’s alleged recent purchase from China of a small island in the South China sea. In another possibly related incident a leaked report from Pinewood Studios set building department claimed an anonymous party had been making enquires regarding the construction of a life sized fake volcano.

(similar to pic below)

Furthermore the fact that Kim has  been seen in private wearing an eye patch whilst watching his favourite Bond film and his new personal assistant is called Odd Job Um are worrying new developments. Hopefully this is just pure fantasy on his part and will not hinder future talks around his true intentions regarding the North Korean nuclear weapons programme.