Aha!

So Greta Thunberg is a much smarter cookie than we thought– After years of denial suddenly we are now in a ‘Climate Emergency’! Corporations are rushing to De Carbonise everything & anything they can think of. There’s “Money in them tha hills”

‘Microsoft’s newest ‘moonshot’ would make it carbon negative by 2030 – and eventually remove all of the carbon it has emitted since it was founded in 1975 from the environment’ – Really!

So if your new PC arrives with a big pipe coming out the back and Carbon Dioxide Monitoring Software don’t be surprised.

This all seems very promising doesn’t it? No not really China has just announced it will be using more coal – digging more coal mines and  building more coal powered generating stations…

Aha so that’s a ‘score draw’ Planet Earth= 1 Insanity= 1

Meanwhile back at the ranch- Ford have just revealed their new prototype ‘totally Eco friendly car’


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Prince Harry Flies The Nest

Prince Harry & Wife Meghan have decided that they wish to redefine their role within the UK’s Royal family. They said that they planned to split their time between the UK. and North America, while “continuing to honour our duty to the queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages,” according to a post on their new website. They wish among other things to be financially independent.

However It is reported Prince Charles will still pay 95% of Meghan Markle and Harry’s costs despite their wish for ‘financial independence ‘

 Senior royals may have been surprised by Duke & Duchess of Sussex’s announcement but plans were being made as long ago as last summer it is reported. Applications to trademark their brand “Sussex Royal”for a range of goods and activities were lodged with UK intellectual property authorities last June!

As yet nobody knows what these goods and activities may be- The Funny Books Blog has come up with a few viable suggestions below……..

  

 I actually am a big fan of Prince Harry & Meghan – mindful of his Mother’s fate I cannot say I wouldn’t do the same…. (Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, died in a car accident while trying to escape the paparazzi in Paris in 1997.)

 

So good luck and well done Dad!

 

Robo Warden

Westminster Council London Unveil their NEW Automated Traffic Warden

 

A spokesperson said “ Our Wardens were sick of the abuse they receive from the general public & will be assigned other roles in the council once the new system is fully operational”

“The new robot wardens will be impervious to abuse, amour piercing shells and anything else you care to throw at them! “

The Council deny claims that they are over zealous in their issuing of Parking Fines simply using it as a money making scheme.

They also deny that the new robot wardens are in any way intimidating.

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Safe Hands?

 

Boris Johnson wins UK election…………………………

Thanks be to God the UK is now in safe hands- the Trump & Johnson team united in creating a land ‘Fit for Heroes’ our pockets lined with Dollar bills from the pending US/UK trade deal.

 I remain unconvinced so my money is going Off Shore-ASAP & preferably to somewhere well above sea level- sorry Cayman Islands!

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“Sweet Dreams Darling”

 

 

“Of course it isn’t going to end darling. It will just be a bit different in the future. Some of those cute little islands we saw in the Atlas the other day won’t be there in the new Atlas. And our house will be much nearer the seaside. You like the seaside don’t you? And in some countries the weather will be a bit funny that’s all.

If you are still scared in the morning I can ask Uncle Donald to talk to you, he doesn’t think there is anything to worry about. And even if he did I’m sure all those nice people from the UN can make it better again. And in the meantime we could write to Father Christmas he always knows what’s best doesn’t he?”

Sweet dreams darling XX

mommysays.com

UK Winter Election News

Despite the bad weather Prime Minister Johnson is determined to carry on campaigning on the doorstep. The last UK Winter Election was in 1923 – so the forthcoming Election is quite a rare event.

Also unprecedented The Funny Books Blog has learnt Polling Stations will be serving Hot Chocolate to the elderly- as well as offering tips on how to stay warm.

Additionally the NHS will be be setting up a Hotline Telephone service in selected stations to give advice to people turning up to vote with Frostbite.

In yet another unusual move it has been suggested voters unable to grip the pencil to mark the voting form due to frozen fingers should grip the pencil in their mouths- “A cross is a cross no matter how it is made” a spokesperson said!

So “Let’s get the job done”

Pic above “Another familiar face on the campaign trail”

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In/Out by Colonel Rage “Let the anger out”

Thank you to the Colonel for this contribution.

 Colonel Rage (Retired) Writes-

 Greetings from the UK (formerly Great Britain!). On December 12th we are having a ‘General Referendum’ sorry chaps I mean  ‘General Election’ of course, silly me. It amounts to the same thing, those who want to stay in the EU will vote tactically as will those who want to leave I should imagine. Resulting in who bally knows what! The battle lines are being drawn and the weaponry is prepared- if the innocent voter had any sense they would put on the old camouflage and head for the damned hills pronto. Personally I never have cared for the French & as for the Krauts and the other hangers on best shot of all of them I say-

Jumpin’ Jupiter after years of budget cuts, poor souls waiting on trolleys in A&E for hours on end, Bobbies on the beat as rare as the Mongolian Stag beetle, & a Social Care system based on the Bolivian Model. The major political parties are now having a spending bidding war “ My Budget is bigger than yours- so there”. It appears money is now cheap to borrow. Borrow chaps? Back in the day if we were a bit short of cash we would invade another country strip it of its assets and ship them back to the Motherland. Happy days

Of course climate change will be addressed in our new Utopian dream world -The weather has been been playing God Damned havoc with my Prize Marrows in recent years. The planet which is already shifting on its axis more than normal will be wobbling about like a jelly on a stick before long- Enough is enough!

The final solution

All this hippy dippy talk about Carbon Emissions saving the Rain Forests and a few Polar bears and all, doesn’t cut it with me. What is needed is a military approach- Hit it hard, nip it in the bud NOW!….

Elon Musk has a few ideas up his sleeve and Trump is waiting in the wings- Terra-forming is the new fangled idea I have in mind. A few strategically placed Nukes shot up into the old atmosphere and ‘Bobs your uncle- Once things have settled down a bit and the dust has cleared!

The Colonels Election Personnel Report-…IN/ OUT…..

 Ok chaps I’ve devised this little chart to help you with your electoral (referendum mark 2) decision- We can assume that paradise is coming whoever wins……..

Nigel Farage -a good egg with a fine military bearing- Completely bonkers unfortunately ‘OUT’

Boris Johnson Top hole chap….would make a fine military man. Happy to sacrifice a few troops and not worry about civilian casualties to get the job done. ‘OUT’  

Jeremy CorbynOnce a Commie always a Commie………’IN/OUT WHO KNOWS’

Jo SwinsonLacks the military muscle and the ‘The let them eat cake’ factor- ‘IN’

Nicola Sturgeon – Something fishy about this woman all round – Nicola Queen of Scots? Does she dream per chance of riding triumphant through the glens with the severed head of the next UK Prime Minister in one hand ? ‘OUT of everything’

Every man for themselves For Queen & Country  Good luck & God Bless- See you on the other side?

 Colonel Rage

 

The Dark Side Of The Moon

China started out the year by doing something that no nation has done before: It landed a spacecraft and an accompanying rover on the far side of the moon with an ambitious scientific payload package and an exciting mission ahead to study the interior structure of the moon with the help of ground-penetrating radar, among other things.

Almost equally impressive from a technical standpoint, China successfully placed a communication relay satellite into a lunar halo orbit to enable the command of, and communication with, both the spacecraft and rover, which do not have line-of-sight views of Earth for direct radio contact.

The ‘Dark Side’ cannot ever be seen from Earth and is previously unexplored – until now. What is there that is so different from the other side? Nothing! No it is not where God lives- Is not populated by Alien invaders preparing their conquest of Earth well it could be the Chinese may be keeping that little nugget to themselves at this stage. So more than likely just a boring load of rocks and stuff the same as the other side.

Why? So why did the Chinese have such an interest in going there? Because on the ‘Dark Side’ no one can see what the hell they are up to is why. They obviously intend to expand the Chinese Economic Miracle beyond Planet Earth and despite no concrete evidence also believe shy and elusive extra terrestrial beings are more likely to wish to visit a secluded place like the dark side of the Moon to do business…..All very logical.  The advanced technology possessed by  the Aliens would give China the jump on all its other competitors back on the home world?……Whether or not contact is made remains to be seen………..

Chinese Culture

Chinese leader Xi Jinping believes “Chinese culture is the best the world has to offer. This is particularity true of our tasty and healthy cuisine.” A chain of Chinese Takeaways stretching throughout the solar system may seem ambitious at this stage- it begs the question as to exactly where the customers will come from? However the Chinese view is that as humans continue to explore space what could be better than stopping off for Chicken Balls & Chow Mein on that arduous trip to Mars or wherever. They are confident the universal appeal of  the Chinese Takeaway back on earth will translate into a viable interstellar business. Rock on China

Brexit 2020

 

  FORWARD WIND…………June 6th 2020

‘The Daily Gazelle’ now the UK’s only National Newspaper.

 ‘Following the UK’s crash out of the European Union with NO Deal due to what can only be described as an almighty cock up all round! The severity of the ensuing economic crash has stunned most pundits! However the decision to turn the now disused Canary Wharf Tower into affordable apartments for the long term unemployed has pleased Homeless Charities. Ironically a lot of these people used to work there in better times!

In an unrelated story Mad Max Producers say they weren’t going to make another MM movie due to the cost, particularly of the special effects. On reflection “Filming in the now derelict streets of London seems like the perfect solution ” and therefore are now in talks to push the project forward. ‘

Jesus said “ Judge not lest you be judged” In the case of Brexit going belly up I can make an exception. We all know who to blame don’t we!

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